There is a difference between Authentic Strength and Ego Strength. When we are standing in authentic strength, we are able to be who we are, we are flexible (a sign of good mental health) and we go with the flow. We are in acceptance of reality and staying in present time. We feel bigger and more expansive. We see vulnerability as the greatest strength and a sign of courage. We do not minimize, judge or criticize our self - when those kinds of thoughts arise, we dismiss them or self reflect and make any necessary adjustment to our character traits. When and if we confront someone, we do so with the intention of opening things up, to go deeper, to better understand and expand our perspective or to set a boundary. We are in our own corner, practice good self care and set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Ego Strength is a defense mechanism. Defensiveness is a sign of poor self identity, understanding and self worth. It has a sense of incapacity and weakness underneath. There is a separation from our sense of self. We can tend to be hard, angry, blaming, resisting or wanting to change reality. What we push to change will come back in on us. What we resist will persist: energetically this is how things work. We engage in judgment, criticism and devaluing of self and others. We see any display of vulnerability as a sign of weakness. As a result, we do not self reflect and refine our character, rather, we tend to blame the external: someone else or some event/experience. We do not stand in integrity, assuming full responsibility for our life. When we confront someone, it is with the intention to go up against something or someone: there is no intention to heal or improve relations, just to hurt or feel self righteous.

You are not your mind. You have a mind and are the one who observes its thoughts. Your thoughts generate feelings which will either feel good or uncomfortable. Some thoughts are valid and true; others are faulty and invalid - the latter distort our reality when we unconsciously go along with them as if they are accurate and true. These invalid distortions come from a part of our mind referred to as the Superego. The faulty thoughts that arise from the Superego are actually easily spotted as it is overly concerned about what other people think of us and it is very judgmental, critical and self-devaluing.

The Superego likes to run the show. It will either be in control of our life or we (as a conscious soul) will be: one or the other. While the former is an unconscious habit for most people, taking control is a choice we can make. It would be inaccurate to say we learn to “control” the mind, that doesn’t happen. The mind is going to do what the mind does - and faulty thoughts emerging from it are part of it. However, when we make it a point to be very conscious about what thoughts arise and to use our discernment by asking, “Is this thought accurate or faulty?”, we begin to expose the faulty thoughts rather than simply go along with them as if they are true. This takes work and time but is well worth it because our life transforms to the positive in a big way.

Additionally, the thoughts we pay attention to, we will have more of. Attention gives something energy, it is equivalent to watering the grass - the grass is going to grow. Therefore, if we sit and entertain self diminishing, self devaluing thoughts, we will experience more of those types of thought. In turn, this will increase feelings of low self worth, anxiety, worry and fear. This bad habit is referred to as “ruminating”.

When we ruminate, we can get stuck there. Our desire to do anything else will decrease and this will lead us to isolate. This is simply a very bad habit. However, this habit can be overcome by making the choice to be conscious and aware of what we are doing, challenging the distortions and using our discernment to determine what is valid and true from that which is faulty and invalid. This requires consistently applying our Attention, Will and Discipline. When we notice a thought that doesn’t feel good, we need to ask if it is true and valid or false and faulty. When faulty, we need to call that out, state what is true, then redirect our self to a good self care practice, which means get up, get out, get moving - get out in nature, exercise, turn your attention to something creative, cook a healthy meal . . .some activity that benefits us.

Here is a list of common Cognitive Distortions which can arise from th Super Ego.

1) Black or White Thinking - polarized, all or nothing thinking. Extremes. Unrealistic. Reality generally lies somewhere in-between the extremes.

2) Over-generalizations. When we draw a conclusion about a person, group of people or situation and apply it across the board.

3) Personalization - blaming yourself for circumstances over which you actually have no control. Incorrectly assuming someone else’s behavior is about you. Assuming you’ve been targeted. Discern: what you actually have evidence for and control over?

4) Mind reading - assuming you know what other people think or why they said or did something. Ask that individual and clarify, don’t assume you know and proceed like that is reality.

5) Mental Filtering - the tendency to ignore the positives, focusing on the negatives, discounting the positive or writing anything positive off as a fluke or luck.

6) Should/shouldn’t, Ought to/Never, or Always Thoughts - these indicate social conditioning and giving our power away or people pleasing. The emotional consequences are shame or guilt.

7) Catastrophizing - expecting the worse. Attaching a story to an experience, making a bigger deal out of something than it actually is.

8) Jumping to Conclusions - ask yourself, “Do I really know this to be true? Where is my evidence? What is my proof?”

9) Blaming - pointing the finger it is another person’s fault for the state of our relationships or circumstances. Our life and how we feel is a result of the thoughts we attend to, what we choose to say and what we choose to do. In addition, to how well we practice good self care and keep healthy boundaries. When these choices are consciously made, we have a great deal of control over our life. When we blame others for our circumstances, we are not taking responsibility for all of these choices or discerning their probable outcome before making them. We are also giving our power away.

10) Fallacy of Change - expecting others to change. We have no control over what others think, believe, say or do. Those choices are their life path and actually none of our business.

11) Magnification - exaggerating, attaching victim stories, drama, usually talking to third parties for support, so we can feel our position is “right”. This keeps us stuck in the past and in ill feeling emotions.

Observe your thoughts, pay attention! Challenge and correct the distortions Before we embark on this work, we are generally operating unconsciously, just going along with whatever the Super Ego is saying and allowing it to take us on an emotional roller coaster, unnecessarily. Are your thoughts life enhancing, healthy, motivating? Do they result in a good sense of self worth? Or, are they self devaluing, self diminishing and lead you to feel bad about yourself, others and life?

I sometimes recommend clients take a week and write their Cognitive Distortions down on one piece of paper. Doing this, an individual will experience the magnitude of this part of the mind and this generally motivates us to keep working on these faulty thoughts. Over time, these thoughts actually will diminish, and the Super Ego loses any and all credibility so when they do arise, we simply see they are ridiculous.