Healing through betrayal.

Process your emotions.

How do you get past betrayal and heal? Will you ever be able to forgive them for  what they have done? Whether it’s a betrayal by a family member, partner or  someone else, the steps you might take to get over the hurt are roughly the  same. 

1. Name your feelings  

Betrayal is an act. In order to begin recovery from the act, you need to be more  specific about the feelings it has given rise to.  

Some common feelings are: 

Anger - you’ve been hurt and one of the most natural feelings in such situations  is anger. “How could they?” “How dare they!” 

Sadness - you might become very low, weepy even when you discover a  betrayal. This might cause you to feel a sense of loss: a loss of trust, a loss of  the person you thought they were, a loss of the happy memories you have of  them, a loss of the future you saw with them. 

Surprise - yes, you are probably shocked to find out that this person or persons  betrayed you. You might not have has any inkling that this was likely. Your heart  may have been trying to tell you but you didn’t listen. . .if this is so, that needs to  be addressed - a commitment made never to disregard what you know again!  And to slow things down and pull back and observe when that inner voice  speaks. Remove any rose-colored glasses you may be wearing and never put  them on again. 

• Fear - you may worry about the consequences of this betrayal. It might mean a  major upheaval in your life and these unknowns scare you. 

• Disgust - you can’t even bear to think about it or them because it makes your  stomach churn. 

• Insecurity - you may question yourself and doubt whether you are worthy of  love and care. After all, the person who betrayed you clearly felt you weren’t. 

• Shame - you may blame yourself and feel ashamed by what has happened and  how others may now see and treat you. 

• Loneliness - this is your betrayal and no one else’s “How could they possibly  understand?”

• Confusion - you may simply not be able to comprehend what’s happened?  None of it seems to make any sense to you.  

It’s important to identify what it is you’re feeling at any given time. You may feel  many or all of these after a betrayal - most likely a few at a time and swinging  back and forth as you process them. 

For instance, surprise and confusion might be the first thing you feel, which then  gives way to anger and disgust or sadness and fear. You may then return to  surprise tinged with shame. 

There won’t be a clear or uniform progression from one to the other, but rather a turbulent maelstrom of emotion. 

2. Resist Retaliating  

With some betrayals, you may experience an overwhelming urge to retaliate.  Don’t! 

You may be feeling angry about what happened and you may feel like they  deserve punishment, but rarely is this ever a productive endeavor. 

If there is one way to prolong the hurt and delay the healing process, it’s by  plotting and planning revenge. Consider the analogy of betrayal as a cut or gash  in your bodily flesh. A scab soon forms over the wounds, but there is a desire to  prod and poke at it. It’s itchy. It’s sore, and you feel the need to do something  about it. 

Yet, you know from experience that the more you touch and pick at a scab, the  longer it stays and the more likely it is to leave a scar. 

Retaliation is like picking a scab: it will only uncover the wound once more and  cause you further pain. And the more you do it (even the more you think about  doing it), the more likely you are to carry that pain with you the rest of your life. 

Resist the temptation to get your own back. The feelings will eventually fade and  pass and you’ll be glad you held off from inflicting similar suffering on your  betrayer.

3. Take Time Away 

When you’ve been betrayed by someone, the best short term solution is to  avoid them as much as possible physically and electronically. Take a step back  to process. 

That means not seeing them, not messaging them, not checking their social  media every 5 minutes.  

I know y’all love an analogy, so here’s another one for you: think of all those  feelings we talked about above as being fueled by a fire. At first, the fire burns  strong and the feelings glow white hot in the flames. The most combustible fuel  for that fire is contact with the one(s) who betrayed you. Thus, in order for the  fire to burn out, you must stop adding fuel to it. 

You must take time away and possibly break ties with that person. 

Now if they try to contact you (and they probably will), you just tell them in a  calm manner that you need time and space to deal with what they’ve done. Ask  them to respect your wishes and leave you be. 

Your emotions will eventually begin to fade as the fire becomes mere embers.  Now you’ll be in a much better position to think clearly and process the events  and decide what to do next. 

4. Examine the Betrayal 

People do hurtful things for all sorts of reasons and it might be helpful for you to  think about how this betrayal came about. Use your discernment.  

Was it carelessness? Was it caused by weakness? Or was it a deliberate,  conscious act?  

We all sometimes say or do something in a split second and instantly regret it. A  careless act of betrayal such as revealing personal information someone told  you in confidence is no doubt hurtful, but it is somewhat forgivable. It can be  easy, when involved in a conversation, to not be 100% focused on the  importance of what you are saying and things can really “slip out” by accident. It  still stings when you find out, but perhaps you can have some sympathy. 

Other people may find it almost impossible to keep what you tell them  confidential. They just have to talk to someone about it, perhaps as a means of  processing their own emotions on the matter for whatever reason, it is part of 

some people’s character - a character defect. Recognize these people and  don’t tell them things you don’t want repeated. 

Of course, the greater significance the information, the less easy it is to believe  that your betrayer revealed it by mistake. Some secrets just don’t come out  naturally in conversation. 

The next level up from a careless betrayal is one that comes about due to  someone’s weakness. Some people find it incredibly difficult to control certain  urges, even if they promised you they would. 

Addictions are a good example of this. You may, for example, feel betrayed by a  partner or family member who has said they will give up drinking, only to find out  they’ve been doing it behind your back and lying to you about it! 

Then there are betrayals that are plain and simple deliberate acts, either of  malice or un-empathic indifference. 

Maybe your partner cheats on you, a family member belittles you in front of your  children, or a business partner reneges on a deal you had agreed upon. 

These acts are conscious acts with little consideration of how you might you  might be impacted and feel. 

Understanding which of these is the most true in your case can help you see the  situation clearly and overcome the negative emotions and move past the  incident.

5. Examine the Relationship 

Someone you care about has hurt you. How much emotional pain are you in?  

It all depends on the closeness of that relationship. After a betrayal, you’ll  probably find yourself asking just how much the person means to you. 

Betrayal by a friend you’ve drifted apart from and who you now see no more  than once or twice a year is going to feel very different than betrayal by a spouse  or parent who is very much a major part of your life.  

How much you value the relationship will determine whether you choose to keep  that person in your life or let them go for good (which we will talk more about later).

6. Talk to a Third Party 

In this situation, it helps to talk through the incident and the feelings with a  trusted confidant. 

It can be cathartic to express your own emotions outwardly and tell another soul  what is going on in your head and heart right now. 

The crucial thing, though, is to talk to someone who is able to remain fairly,  though not entirely, neutral. The reason for this is that they will be able to offer  honest advice and constructive feedback about your plan for dealing with the  situation. 

What you don’t want is a yes man or woman who fuels the fire as you vent  about your betrayer. This may feel good at the time but it will not help you work  through your feelings and this is not healthy or in your highest good and best  interest. \

7. Reflect on Things  

When the dust has settled a bit and your feelings are less raw you might benefit  from a period of introspection. 

This is a time when you look inward and try to understand the betrayal, the  aftermath, and the longer term consequences in your life. 

You might reflect upon your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, immediately after  you were betrayed and consider how you might try and avoid similar situations  in the future (or act differently if you do encounter one). 

To get the benefit from this, focus not on asking why something happened or  why your betrayer felt or acted in such a way, keeps you trapped in the past,  ruminating over events. Ask what based questions instead. Why questions may  also instill a victim mentality whereby you focus on what has been done to you  and who is to blame for it. 

What questions, on the other hand, are more proactive. What am I feeling? What  are my options? Was I wearing rose-colored glasses? Was I dismissing red  flags? If so, what will I do differently in the future? What is in my highest and  best good? What will really matter the most 5 years from now? Use your  discernment. These are all forward thinking questions that lead you away from  the betrayal and toward a place where you can recover. 

So reflect, by all means, but try to make it productive reflection that doesn’t  dwell too much, but seeks you to move on. 

8. Speak to the Person Who Betrayed You 

This is a big step and one that requires some guts and determination to take.  But what do you say to someone who betrayed you? 

When when you feel ready, it is worth speaking to them and communicating how  their actions made you feel then, and how you feel about it now. 

One crucial tip is to structure what you have to say in a way that focuses on you  and not them. This way, you can avoid putting them on the defensive and keep  the communication amicable. 

So start your sentences with “I” and try to stick to the facts. Saying, “I felt  shocked and angry when you . . .” is better than saying, “You betrayed me  by. . .” 

Be specific. You should have a handle on all the different emotions that you  experienced if you named each one as we advised above; use these words to  convey the impact this person’s actions had on you.  

Not only that, but specific about what it was exactly that hurt you the most. Is it  that you no longer feel able to trust them, or have their actions caused  repercussions in other parts of your life? What, if anything, do you need from  them moving forward - if indeed you decide to move forward. Set your  boundaries: what you will no longer accept. Do they agree? And if the boundary  is crossed, the relationship will be over. Be calm and matter of fact in your  delivery. 

Put it all together and you mighty, as an example, “I felt very ashamed, alone,  and scared when you let slip about my pregnancy to our colleagues - it has put  me in a difficult position with the boss and now I’m worried about my future job  security. As a result, I can no longer trust you and our communication will strictly  be relating to work and that’s it.” 

If it helps you to put your thoughts and feelings into words, you might also  consider writing a letter to those who have hurt you. You can either give it to  them to read, or read it out to them. This is especially useful if you get flustered  in situations where you have to confront someone face to face. It also prevents  any sidetracking off subject and it allows you to get out all you have to say and  prevents you from later thinking, “I needed to say ___! Darn it, I forgot that!” I always feel it’s good to write everything outing give it a few days to be sure it’s  complete, concise, clear and to the point. Patience and taking time is very  valuable! A thoughtful response will always have much greater healing potential  than a reactive, emotionally laden reaction. 

9. Cut the Ties with Repeat Offenders 

Whether you choose to forgive a betrayal and maintain the relationship will come  down to a lot of things: the severity of it, how much you value the relationship,  and the the way the betrayal went down (see point 4), among others. 

One thing to bear in mind, however, is whether or not this was the first time they  have done something like this to you, the severity of the betrayal - and whether  it was unintentional or a conscious, intentional decision, disregarding your  feelings. The latter is a character defect. 

If someone has hurt you before, you should strongly consider whether keeping  this person in you life is best for you (and best for other important people in your  life such as children). 

Generally speaking, the second strike will put so much more strain on the  relationship and your interactions with each other that it is best to call it time  right then and there. 

A third strike or more and you’re straying into the territory of enabling them.  Reach this point and they will think they can betray you and get away with it. 

Moving On  

When you feel betrayed, it’s not something that can be dealt with too quickly.  You need time to process everything that has happened and this will vary  depending on the specific events. 

At first, you just have to do your best to cope with the storm of emotions inside  while maintaining some semblance of a normal life. After all, you still have  responsibilities to take care of. 

In time, you’ll find you overcome the initial shock and start to heal your  emotional wounds. As you recover from the ordeal, you’ll think less and less  about it, and the emotions surrounding it will begin to fade. 

Eventually, you’ll be able to consign the betrayal to your past. . .at least for the  most part. Process the emotions, and let it go and move forward, taking the lessons learned with you, so it will no longer affect you life in the present. Know  the lessons learned will serve you as you move forward. When you’ve done your  work on this, you should see more clearly, be more discerning and not dismiss  what your heart and gut say.